Opposites Attract

"For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."  Romans 7:15 Paul totally hit the nail on the head, didn't he? For as long as I have been a Christ Follower (17 Months and 2 Days to be exact), I have looked at this verse and saw nothing but devastation.  I have always seen this man who was undoubtedly and miraculously transformed have this struggle that, for some unknown and bewildering reason, God would not free him of.  It just seems logical to me that if Paul, or any believer for that matter, did not want to do something, especially that of sin, then God should use that Almighty power of His to stop such things from taking place.  And then there is the other side of this verse where Paul then admits that what he wants to do, he doesn't do it.  How mind blowing is this?  This God guided man doesn't do what he ultimately wants to do, but instead he does the thing he hates most.  Seriously?  During the times that I have spent looking over this verse and processing this verse and applying this verse within my own life, I do have to say it has often brought discouragement and resentment into the forefront of my heart.  How could I possibly have hope when the Word of God states such things? The truth:  I was so very wrong. "Or do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to those who know the law—that the law is binding on a person only as long as he lives?  For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage.  Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man while her husband is alive. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law, and if she marries another man she is not an adulteress.  Likewise, my brothers, you also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to him who has been raised from the dead, in order that we may bear fruit for God.  For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death.  But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code.  What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.”  But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness.  For apart from the law, sin lies dead.  I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died.  The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me.  So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.  Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure.  For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin.  For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.  So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.  For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."  Romans 7 After reading through Romans chapter 7 today, I now realize how wrong I have really been.  Ultimately, the reality is that it's not about me, not at all.  When I was saved by the grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, I became new.  Yes, my flesh will sin and fail and blah, blah, blah, but ultimately, God is holy and righteous and gracious and Jesus Christ is Savior.  My flesh will die, but I will live for eternity with my beloved Creator.  In other words, now when I look at verse 15, and the chapter as a whole, I see hope and love and grace and mercy.   I just spent 2 days reading "Battling Unbelief" by John Piper and he says this about sin, "We sin because we believe the deceitful promises that sin makes.", and these promises feed into our fleshly tendencies to take the easy way out and our desires to satisfy ourselves, even if it's only for a moment.  However, here is another quote from Piper that, in my opinion, sums up the entire point that this world and its fleshly struggles are not all their is to it, "His (Jesus) future joy came to him as his right.  Ours comes to us as blood-bought grace." So with that being said, we, as Christ followers, should have unending hope and joy in the undeniable truth that God has already won.   I say all of this after one of the most disappointing weekends of my life as a believer.  Countless times I have failed since my eyes were opened to the saving grace that my Father has given and continues to poor out on me, but this weekend was different.  I lived out Romans 7:15 to the fullest.  I am not proud of this, but I am thankful.  I am thankful for God's grace.  I am thankful for God's mercy.  I am thankful for God's faithfulness.  I am thankful for God's timing.  Ultimately, I praise God that He works all things out for our good and His glory.

Grace? Mercy? Sovereignty?

"Test me, O Lord, and try me; examine my heart and my mind." Psalm 26:2

These words, this verse, became engrained in my heart long before I became a Christ follower.  I was seeking something, someone, but was only doing it through others and their opinions, their favorites, their personal beliefs.  Needless to say, that didn't guide me in a direction towards finding my identity in Christ, I was fully engulfed in the identity of others. 

When I came upon this verse, I had no idea what it really meant.  It stuck out to me because it sounded good, and intense, and very "spiritual".  Despite the worldly circumstances, I do believe that God laid this verse on my heart and has not removed it since.  As I have grown and am slowly molded into the child He created me to be, I continue to hold onto these words and I continuously gain a stronger understanding of them, one small piece at a time.

However, I would like to add that these words, in my opinion, are similar to that of someone praying for patience.  As I have embraced these words for many months now, it is only lately that I have come to the realization that I have been speaking of something, desiring something that, at the same time, I have expressed so much anger and resentment towards. 

One side of me desires God to examine my heart and my mind and to test me and try me.  If He doesn't, can I honestly grow?  Could I truly make disciples for His Kingdom?  Would I be able to glorify Him in the way that I am called?  I don't think so.  In fact, I am learning more and more each day that this verse, in my opinion, should be a dominating desire within any Christian's life.  With that being said, the other part of me gets angry and fearful when God does exactly what I am asking of Him.  I want to return to old idols and escape the pain and hardships of this world.  Am I the only one who sees this contradiction?  Because my reality is...this contradiction has been a restraint in my life.  It has been a key factor in my lack of growth and in my absence of healing. 

If I have such a contradiction existing in my heart, do I really believe in a gracious God?  Do I wholeheartedly know, without a doubt, that my God is merciful?  Better yet, do I stand on the undeniable truth that our GOD is sovereign?

All of this comes down to one question...when I pray this verse to my Heavenly Father, do I really mean it?

That question is going to be answered very soon, but not necessarily by my words.  It will more so be evident, or at least I hope, in my actions, in the way that I respond to God using a friend to do just what this verse states.  I am going to be tested and tried and my heart and mind are going to be examined more than I could have ever done on my own.  It will be tough and it will be painful, but may it ultimately be to the glory of God.