Grace? Mercy? Sovereignty?

"Test me, O Lord, and try me; examine my heart and my mind." Psalm 26:2

These words, this verse, became engrained in my heart long before I became a Christ follower.  I was seeking something, someone, but was only doing it through others and their opinions, their favorites, their personal beliefs.  Needless to say, that didn't guide me in a direction towards finding my identity in Christ, I was fully engulfed in the identity of others. 

When I came upon this verse, I had no idea what it really meant.  It stuck out to me because it sounded good, and intense, and very "spiritual".  Despite the worldly circumstances, I do believe that God laid this verse on my heart and has not removed it since.  As I have grown and am slowly molded into the child He created me to be, I continue to hold onto these words and I continuously gain a stronger understanding of them, one small piece at a time.

However, I would like to add that these words, in my opinion, are similar to that of someone praying for patience.  As I have embraced these words for many months now, it is only lately that I have come to the realization that I have been speaking of something, desiring something that, at the same time, I have expressed so much anger and resentment towards. 

One side of me desires God to examine my heart and my mind and to test me and try me.  If He doesn't, can I honestly grow?  Could I truly make disciples for His Kingdom?  Would I be able to glorify Him in the way that I am called?  I don't think so.  In fact, I am learning more and more each day that this verse, in my opinion, should be a dominating desire within any Christian's life.  With that being said, the other part of me gets angry and fearful when God does exactly what I am asking of Him.  I want to return to old idols and escape the pain and hardships of this world.  Am I the only one who sees this contradiction?  Because my reality is...this contradiction has been a restraint in my life.  It has been a key factor in my lack of growth and in my absence of healing. 

If I have such a contradiction existing in my heart, do I really believe in a gracious God?  Do I wholeheartedly know, without a doubt, that my God is merciful?  Better yet, do I stand on the undeniable truth that our GOD is sovereign?

All of this comes down to one question...when I pray this verse to my Heavenly Father, do I really mean it?

That question is going to be answered very soon, but not necessarily by my words.  It will more so be evident, or at least I hope, in my actions, in the way that I respond to God using a friend to do just what this verse states.  I am going to be tested and tried and my heart and mind are going to be examined more than I could have ever done on my own.  It will be tough and it will be painful, but may it ultimately be to the glory of God.